Really dunno what to talk about. Well actually, there is one thing that has been irritating me for quite some time ( a long time actually).
Remember how, back in primary school, it is reasonably easy to do well in the exams? Then it gets tougher as you progresses up the academic ladder until university.
Well, that is quite obvious but then again, I am simply irritated by the fact that as the paper gets harder, it is easier to commit a careless mistake and when this careless mistake is carried on through the working of an especially long paper, it results in an unwanted cascade of losing marks and still more marks.
Then, there is this stress due to the lacking in time. I used to remember that back in secondary 3, I could finish the math paper in half the time, and check through my workings twice over. Nowadays, the time given for the exam is graceless i.e. no provision is given to re-check the answers so that ad-hoc corrections can be made.
Last but not least, as I grow older, I find it harder to make peace with a lousy paper to the extent of berating myself about the inherent carelessness and why I cannot do better than others. Then again, I am playing in a bigger field, with competitors of astounding qualities. After that, I smack myself (figuratively) for catching the "kiasu" flu.
Man, I needa stop being an over-achiever. It is just that I feel it would not do me enough justice if I do poorly for a paper when the questions are doable. It is like I fail to achieve my potential due to leaving out some key answers or plain old carelessness.
Am I turning into a "kiasu" human whose obsession for perfection is insatiable? The question somehow harks back to my sec 3 years when I had to submit a scrapbook on history. I remembered how I could not stand even a single cancellation pen mark, a single word that was spaced too closely to another word, a small crumpling of the paper that when any of these happen, I would simply rewrite the whole page on a new piece of paper. I think I killed a few trees just writing for a supposed 15 page work.
Back then, the perfectionist symptom was rather physical. I remembered how Mum told me that there was no point being a perfectionist. Somehow, flaw would find its way into our life, regardless of whether it is subtle or overt. She told me to accept life with its scratchy surface and to live with it as though it was part of me, pulsing and breathing along with every action I took. She said, if life is perfect, we would all be chickens as we would not need to have courage to face the calamities of life. It is this ability to stand up front with our failure, to be bigger than it, and to say,"No big deal. I can start all over again," that is the epitome of our struggle to be the masters of our desires and emotions. We can therefore be independent of our environment and the expectations of others. We become our own compass of our ship of life, guiding true against the torrential cascade of rapids, the treacherous rocks, and the devils of the deep blue sea.
Now, in university, I still find it very hard to swallow her advices. Perhaps, it is my ego that gets into the way. I start thinking to myself. Do I need to have expectation for my hard work? Do I indulge in the debilitating need to compete and compare? Do I need success to define me? Am I so encumbered by failures that I cannot redeem myself of such unforgivable "sins"? If the answers to these questions are yes, who am I then but a slave to my toils and expectations?
Phew, super relieved after crapping out these stuffs verbally.
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